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Saying No to IVF

Kelsey Tyler

Lying on a gurney, staring up at fluorescent hospital lights, I decided: This is not how I want to get pregnant. Nothing had even happened yet. I was waiting to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), a procedure to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked.

I was pretty sure they weren’t blocked, as I told my gynecologist a week earlier, when she ordered the test. I had none of the symptoms of blocked fallopian tubes, like pelvic pain or heavy periods. She agreed, but said an HSG was unavoidable if I ever wanted to do in vitro fertilization, or even talk to a fertility specialist about trying it.  

I’d already taken hormones to stimulate egg production and tried artificial insemination, to no avail. I wasn’t sure I had the temperament to withstand IVF, and all the injections, money, doctor’s visits and uncertainty it would involve. But I also didn’t have the luxury of rejecting IVF purely because the idea of it turned me off. I was 41 years old, and IVF is what you do when you’re 41, can’t get pregnant and are fortunate enough to have good credit.

According to my doctor, you don’t pursue IVF until you eliminate first-tier reasons for infertility. If fibroids (non-cancerous uterine growths) are the issue, for example, their removal might make IVF unnecessary. We’d done everything on the checklist except for an HSG, including blood work and a fibroid check for me, as well as a sperm count for my husband. Everything looked good “for our age,” doctors told us, using the painful prepositional phrase I’d hear so many times in the coming weeks.

The fact that I couldn’t get pregnant took a while to sink in. I’d spent the previous two decades trying very hard not to get pregnant, being diligent with birth control and, on two occasions, taking Plan B.

I wasn’t so naïve to think I’d magically get pregnant after 40 just by ditching contraception. But somewhere deep down, I clung to that possibility. I was, after all, one half of a healthy couple: I do yoga, I’m vegan. My husband has a great head of hair. I’d also heard just enough encouraging stories to plant the seed of optimism. My ob-gyn told me about a 43-year-old patient having an unplanned pregnancy. And Janet Jackson gave birth at 50, leading CNN to ask, “Is 50 is the new 40 for motherhood?” (The answer is no, CNN.) Jackson didn’t speak publicly about the details, but reproductive experts seemed to agree that it wouldn’t have been possible without IVF and a donor egg.


It's Time to Redefine Infertility

In real life, I didn’t know of anyone my age having an unplanned pregnancy. Quite the opposite: Friends who wanted children were waging uphill battles against biology that sent them tens of thousands of dollars into debt. Some faced miscarriage after miscarriage. Others never got pregnant at all. At first, the women I knew usually held out hope, buoyed by fertility clinics boasting exaggerated success rates. Then they’d come to the crushing realization that it’s really, really hard to get pregnant after 40, especially with your own eggs.

Friends who wanted children were waging uphill battles against biology that sent them tens of thousands of dollars into debt.

IVF is the most common type of assisted reproductive technology (ART), an umbrella term for infertility treatments that involve any removal or handling a woman’s eggs. It’s considered a relatively safe procedure, but there are still risks. In rare cases, women develop ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome after taking injectable hormones, leading to blood clots and kidney failure. And while IVF success rates depend on various factors, age is among the most important. A woman under 35 has a 38 percent chance of a successful pregnancy with ART, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. By 41, that success rate drops to 14 percent.

I spent my 20s and early 30s building my career and generally enjoying life. I wasn’t ready to start a family, and that didn’t change until I met my husband at 36. A few years later, we started trying to get pregnant. I didn’t feel old, but fertility-wise, I was ancient.

It became apparent that conceiving naturally wasn’t in the cards. Our initial plan — the “let’s just see if it happens!” approach — turned into devastating disappointment month after month. Even now, a few years later, it’s still painful and embarrassing to relive the feelings of helplessness that overtook that time in my life.

While infertility treatments are physically demanding, several studies suggest that the emotional stress of the whole ordeal is the primary reason many couples decide to give up. Even in Sweden and the Netherlands, where treatments are subsidized by the government, researchers found that between one-half and two-thirds of patients stopped the treatments due to “the psychological burden and sense of futility,” according to one report.

Dr. William Hurd, chief medical officer for the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, says that while everyone experiences stress differently, “you can’t underestimate it. The further you go [with fertility treatments], the more stressful it is if it doesn’t work. If it works, you’re done. Everyone is happy. If it doesn’t, some people have lost a major part of their self, what they believe to be their future, and that’s terrifying.”

Before we started trying, I thought that if we didn’t get pregnant easily, I’d just accept it. We’d be that childfree couple who travels. But when it didn’t happen, all I could do was cry.

Before we started trying, I thought that if we didn’t get pregnant easily, I’d just accept it. We’d be that childfree couple who travels. But when it didn’t happen, all I could do was cry. I burst into tears whenever I saw a baby or pregnant woman. My reaction surprised me. It’s probably why I went ahead and did the HSG, even though it didn’t feel quite right.

My husband gently insisted on driving me to the procedure, even after I pointed out that WebMD said I could drive myself. During an HSG, dye is injected into the cervix and an X-ray is taken of the fallopian tubes. According to multiple internet searches I did the night before the procedure, it’s “uncomfortable” and “lasts about five minutes.”

There’s no prep required. You just show up at an imaging center and bring your cervix. I showed up. I got undressed. I lay on the gurney and waited for the radiologist. None of it felt right. None of it felt like me. What if I got up right now? I thought. But I stifled the impulse. Just five minutes.

They were five long minutes. When the mustachioed radiologist I’d never met before crudely inserted a tube into my cervix, I screamed at him to stop. “Are you sure?” he said, peering over his glasses as if he knew better. “Don’t you want to have children?”

Maybe not, I thought. After all, if I can’t endure this brief test, how would I get through childbirth, let alone brave the emotional pains that come with parenthood?

The nurse showed more empathy, suggesting we try again, slower and gentler. I agreed, having already paid the $350. It hurt less the second time. Within a few minutes, the radiologist had inspected the image of my ink-dyed fallopian tubes and concluded that everything was normal. “Good luck,” he said, removing his gloves and leaving the room.

Dizzy with pain, I struggled to get up. After only a few steps, I felt my body start to crumple, and I passed out in a chair in the hallway. I came to moments later with my husband standing next to me and a stranger handing me water. There has to be a better way to do this, I thought.

The fertility specialist, a highly recommended, leader-in-his-field type, was kind but realistic. “The train is leaving the station,” he told us.

A few weeks later, we walked into the Beverly Hills office of a fertility specialist, where I noticed a woman who looked a few years older than I was sitting in the waiting room. Feeling a bit more optimistic about my pregnancy prospects, I let myself relax, as I held my husband’s hand and watched the exotic fish swimming in the giant tank next to us.

The woman, I found out later, was waiting for her daughter.

The doctor, a highly recommended, leader-in-his-field type, was kind but realistic. “The train is leaving the station,” he told us. He didn’t push IVF on us, but he did encourage it. He talked us through the process, somehow making it all sound plausible, even while referencing the dismal success rates he’d jotted down for us.

I noticed on his desk a plaque with the famous Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Smart plaque for a fertility specialist, I thought.

The more he talked, the closer I moved toward acceptance. IVF wasn’t for me.

Of course, it’s so personal. Some people have unlimited funds and a high tolerance for low odds. Hurd emphasized the importance of having a plan before venturing into the world of infertility treatments, and not making IVF the be-all end-all: “If it does work, you’ll have a baby. But if it doesn’t, don’t look at this as a cliff. Look at this as the next step before something else.”

New procedures are on the horizon. Minimal stimulation IVF, one option with potential, is less invasive than traditional IVF and involves fewer hormones. Still, it’s only been tested in small studies. For those open to it, there’s also adoption, an avenue that some people prefer to pursue in tandem with IVF, Hurd says.

After my HSG, as the nurse cleaned up and I pulled myself together, the X-ray image of my fallopian tubes remained on a monitor to my right. “Is that me?” I asked the nurse. She nodded. I’d never seen my fallopian tubes before. They looked nothing like the clunky textbook diagram I remembered from health class. Instead, they were delicate: Tiny threads with teardrop ovaries daintily hung like a fragile chandelier. My eyes filled with tears. “They’re beautiful,” I whispered. She smiled.

I had to trust my instincts. There were other ways to have a family. I felt, for the first time in a while, the tiniest sliver of hope. My body wasn’t broken. It was just 41.

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Show Comments (24)
  1. Amanda

    Thank you for this during my dark late hour, in years and time of night. I have been struggling trying to decide to do ivf or not and reading your story gave me a little more peace about my feelings of not wanting to. Of course I’d love to be a mother, but all the risk and stress may not be what everyone’s called to pursue. It’s still hard though because we aren’t sure yet either way.

    1. Happybunny

      I feel the same. My husband and I have been trying since we got married 4 years ago. He has since had cancer and is now doing very well. When I had the HSG , I felt exactly the same. Invasive , uncomfortable. I just don’t have the strength to go through months of uncertainty and meds and treatment. We are now pursuing adoption and feel very happy with our decision.
      Being a biological mum and dad doesn’t matter to us. We are thrilled to become parents regardless.
      Ps I’m 43 xx

  2. Maria

    I’m 32 with a KS husband. We found out he has just enough sperm for IVF. Our clinic is in San Fran where the only doctor we trust can perform the procedure on him first then walk upstairs where my eggs will be waiting his sperm. $26,000 all together. That’s after we did the $8,400 mapping. We’re from Maine so we’ll have to do IVF here then time it right when we fly out. After reading this piece I feel more confident in saying no to this, but I’m going to say yes instead and give it a go. Thanks for your story!

    1. Cher

      Did it work? I hope so. I’ll be starting iui on the 20th. I’m praying & hoping I get pregnant on first try!! I have an occluded right Fallopian tube..I’m 39.5 years old. Have been trying for over a year naturally although I was pregnant in 2018 but terminated. I never thought it’d be so difficult once I decided to have another child..because in the past it wasn’t difficult as I have older children. IVF is my last resort but I will not give up!! I believe my child is meant to be here and it will take determination. I badly want to have another child

      1. Sher

        The best wishes for your iui procedure this 20th. I hope a positive. I will follow your steps with an iui. My first try with iui will be in November after getting a gallstone surgery the upcoming weeks. I hope it works on the 1st try to you and me.

    2. Christina

      This is an old post I just came across. I am wondering if you ever came to SF and which doctor you used? I am in SF and in the process of trying to decide to do IVF and find a good doctor.

  3. Heidi Williamson

    As I read your story, I heard my own. Our experiences are different, yet so so similar.

    I would love to hear how you feel about your decision now, months later, and what path you have opted to take moving forward.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It came to me at just the right time and is very comforting.

  4. Allison Russo

    Thank you so much for sharing this story, at 41 I can sympathize with every aspect of it in real time.

  5. Sher

    Thanks for sharing your story. I have gone through 2 ivf in Mexico. First one negative, second had a blighted ovum at 3 months of pregnancy 🙁 Now will give iui i a try but today had a HSG in California. Thought the worst. Went to appointment but everything came better than expected. Took an advil 1 hour before procedure. Doctor says everything looks good. The only issue is my husband sperm motility that is lower compared with last year results. I am 37 years old and husband is turning 40 by the end of this month. I am nervous with my next step. Reading your story helps me through my journey.

  6. rohit kumar

    Very nice article. Thank you for sharing useful information. For more information, I would request to visit our site best ivf treatment in hyderabad

  7. Lourdes

    Thank you so much for sharing. I´m 34, I have endometriosis and just had an ectopic pregnancy, lost one fallopian tube. Due to my endo, my “fertility numbers” are the ones of a 39 years old. I can try again to get pregnant and I will, but if it doesn´t happen and I have another ectopic, my only chance would be IVF. And eventhough my story is different, because I already have one child, it still makes me sad to think that we won´t be able to have another baby, as we planned. But IVF isn´t for me either. I can´t imagine getting pregnant that way. No, I can imagine it, and it feels so wrong in my body, that I know I don´t want it. I just don´t want to feel regret later. Knowing that others feel the same way, helps me feel better about it.

  8. Rosa

    Hi, I want to know how you feel now after not going thru with the IVF procedure.
    I was 44 when I met with a fertility specialist they told me I had a good chance. So I opted to wait to find Mr. Right. Scared to be a single mother by choice. A year late I went back and had HSG test done in March. The test itself went find, never went over my results and with Covd-19. I was confused and haven’t gone back. I am regretting it now but unsure how I will feel int he future.

  9. Rachel

    Thank you. Just thank you for verbalizing/writing what I’ve been thinking. From the mustache-ed doctor to the “just knowing”. I needed to not feel alone in this.

  10. katie

    I never wanted children until i married my husband at 36. We didn’t try until I was 38. That’s when i found out I had stage 4 endometriosis (honestly, who knew they staged endo?!?) and had two surgeries to have it removed. My OBGYN and fertility doc worked together on my second surgery (had to remove my appendix that was choked out by endo) and after they both said that my chances of getting pregnant were good. I had three IUIs after…complete with the shots in the stomach and those lovely vaginal inserts. 😬 I never got pregnant. I am 42 now, pregnancy chances gone. I mourn the possibilities. I mourn the idea of my husband being a father. That is my biggest loss. I wonder if my husband wishes he met someone that could have babies. He is an amazing soul and would’ve been an amazing father. 🤍

    1. Sean

      Hi Katie, strangely my birthday is the 31st July. Ha.

      I wanted to let you know, my mother was 45 when she gave birth to me. I am now fit and healthy 32 year old.

      I say, get back and try again, my partner who I am now with and I have 1 little girl, she is 6. My partner has now been diagnosed with stage 4 Endo and we have been trying for 2 years she is 36.

      Dont lose hope just like that, make sure you never leave a stone unturned. Hope this helps

    2. Anca

      Hi Katie, I am following Dr. Sherman Silber from St. Louis infertility clinic. For cases such as yours he does not recommend IUIs nor heavily stimulated IVFs but a mini IVF with ICSI instead. Give it a try – he provides free video consultations during COVID-19. I think he is a brilliant doctor and I have followed all his videos and materials so far. The more I read him, the more I realize what a waste of time IUI is in particular after a certain age and that time should not be wasted with expensive checks that will not change anyway the course of the treatment. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you and don’t lose hope.

  11. Alison

    Thank you for this honest insight. There is so much pressure out there that if you can’t conceive naturally that IVF should be the next step, especially here in the UK where the first round is free. After trying to conceive for 2 years, we are at a crossroads and so unsure as to whether IVF is right for us. My biggest fear is the regret in the future as at 34, the odds are higher now than they will ever be in future. Still so undecided. Thank you so much for sharing and reminding me that I’m not alone in feeling this way x

  12. nicole

    Thank you for your inspirational story. I am 40yrs old and have been trying for 2yrs now to get pregnant.

    Recently did my HSG test and will be going back to my doctor for the results. hopefully my results will be good.

    1. Dee Dee

      Are you preggo I did mines today I only been pregnant one time and I have a 15 year old I’ve been trying for 10 years the doc said I was good and I hope all goes well

  13. Analyn D Schmidgall

    Thank you for sharing your story…we tried ivf we had 3 frozen embryos and didnt work, I’m so hopeful and I dont know of i want to do it again.very heart breaking😥

  14. Sarah

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

  15. Anjali

    Thank you for sharing this.In the hustle of getting pregnant,failing and trying again,endless cycle of pain,somewhere i started hating my body for putting me through this stress and humiliation.The part where u look at ur tubes and call them beautiful,brought me to tears. Thank you for rekindling dat love for my body in me.Here’s wishing you a beautiful life ahead.

  16. Monique

    Thank you for writing this from the bottom of my heart. I am 41 and my Dr. is encouraging me towards a HSG and IVF and I don’t feel right about any of it. I also read up on the test and I know when they say “uncomfortable” for women it means in a hell of a lot of pain. I reluctantly agreed to an ultrasound as the first step before the HSG, but after reading your experience, I know that is a path I don’t need to go down either and I am so grateful to you. I’ve been torn about it ever since I left the Doctor’s office. They make you feel like, well if you really want children you should do this shouldn’t you? And you do, so you go along with the nightmare of tests or surgeries, but it still doesn’t necessarily lead anywhere. I hope my husband will consider adoption as a possibility forward. I believe at my age and my temperament further testing and heartache on this path will destroy me. I honestly believe adoption would be the path to acceptance and love moving forward.

    1. Rainy

      HSG is more painful than D&C. I will never do it again.

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